photo via Tumblr
Since Valentines day is coming I know a lot of yawl are nervous! Only 3 more days to find out if you're a main bitch (Beyonce) or a side bitch (Michelle Williams)! Luckily I don't have those types of problems because I have the best love life ever. I only listen to Lana Del Rey while crying and chain smoking in the bathtub so I can be more relatable to you guys. But don't panic, Purp's here to help you find true love just in time for V-Day!
1. Liquor = Love I met my last ex boyfriend at an art gallery. We danced together to 90's R&B shit until he got really wasted and got into a physical altercation with the party thrower. If it wasn't for the alcohol I wouldn't have been drunk enough to think that the whole incident was really sexy and we probably never would've ended up making out thus starting our love affair.
2. Find out what his/her astrological sign is. Yes this really matters and yes that saturn-venus-moon shit is key to everything. Just go to the love compatibility section of Astrology.com and see if your signs work well together. Most likely it'll say that you guys are a horrible match but haters gon' hate.
3. Eat carbs all the time. Like seriously give no fuck about your figure! Guys (black men) love women with curves. Scream when you see girls posting workout pics to Instagram and wipe your tears with a slice of pizza #teamdeepdish
4. Be paranoid about everything. If he doesn't text you back right away he's obviously fucking your bestfriend, even if she does happen to be sitting right next to you as you desperately wait for him to respond back. Its happening, and your life is horrible.
6. Seek out someone in high power position. This means if he gets paid by the hour he's not worth your time ladies. Salary earners or business owners only! BUT SERIOUSLY, make sure that they at least have a good reputation and are popular enough to get your underaged self into all the cool clubs in Chicago. Your dream to be a socialite is #real and should not be played with.
7. Be Nice to everyone. A lot of times its hard to be nice to unfortunate (ugly) people let alone give them the time of day, but I can't stress how important it is to be nice to everyone. Just because he's #physically not the move doesn't mean he's not figuratively ($$$) the move. So be nice, and maybe he has some attractive friends that are more qualified to be in your presence.
8. Blog and tweet about your personal life. Haven't you ever wished that your significant other could read your mind?? Like he would just know that your craving pizza or that your still not over the fact that there will never be another episode of Gossip Girl. This is what blogging and tweeting is for! Whoever you're dating is obsessed with you and lives to read your every aching word (kinda like the last guy I blogged about), so express yourself and they'll get the message eventually and or think your really psycho and stop dating you, LOL it's totally whatever.
Feel free to e-mail me success stories <3